today

Today I woke to another dark predawn morning.  Fall is in the air, crisp and cool this morning.  It may have rained last nite but the sky is clear and the black field with sparkling stars brightly shining looks closer than usual. 

There is a turning, change, a bit of a feeling of loss, slightly uneasy as time rolls on and runs out of this year’s summer.  I am restless again.  Nothing is happening fast enough or slow enough for me to get used to it.  I want to scream. 

God, oh God where are you?  What is it all for?  I’m board and lonely again and all I can see in the future is more of the same.  All the efforts I even choose to do (not to mention those I’m holding myself responsible for not doing) are in vain.  Clean or not clean, what difference will it make?  Stay fat or lose weight, what difference will it make?  Am I not the same person inside?  Am I not still lazy lonely and board? 

The world changes and time goes on and I am still still still here in the place where You left me.  What good does anything in my life do?  Ok that’s not fair because what I really mean is what good ‘for me’ does anything in my life do?  It gets me no closer to you. 

Black skied mornings are rolling by one by one until they are a blur.  Weekends of sleeping till daylight are only slightly different but bring more time for reflection and dismay at how swiftly this life is fleeting by.   

Yes Jesus I love you.  But oh how I hate the numbness of being ‘normal’ that comes from medication.  I hate not feeling you when I awake, hearing your voice deep within my heart and knowing beyond knowing that you are there. 

I miss your presence. 

Is this the price of sanity?