I find it unhelpful to constantly see myself as less worthy and less adequate than some of the men that I've become acquainted with. In fact, it's possible to believe this about all the men that I haven't become well acquainted with -- men who are particularly withdrawn and emotionally unavailable.
I see only their successful athletic/artistic traits. They had only seen my gentle, peaceful, and kind self. They and I have been disillusioned by the ugliness and inadequacy that fills our lives, no matter how diligent, psychologically balanced, or we may be. There are so many relational insecurities.
I am beginning to trust self-help books and websites. I get so impatient with getting the right techniques. I want to live relationship and discover them as they are, yet this is precisely why I have to read up about these things in the first place.
In my mind, I know that Jesus is arranging my relationships according to plan. I have even experienced the delight of discovering that I really do "realize" that He does this. But it is a strain on my emotions to be constantly disappointed by the relational mistakes I've made.
Will Jesus be the one to arrange my relationships?
If He isn't the one, who would be?
Would I do a better job of it? Can self-help books really be of use to me?
How do some people have the self-control to deal with relationships patiently and not graspingly?
If Jesus controls all things, doesn't He also control the Storm called "Relationships"? If He decided to take me Home to Paradise, would relationships even be relevant to me?
So I am trying to hold onto this grander reality that Jesus is indeed in charge. Not I. No matter how much I would like to control the variables of life. For that matter, I may even breathe my last this year or this month.
From this basis, it is logical to trust Him in regard to the health of my friendships, until my heart is fully convinced of it. In fact, I would not even enjoy improvements in relationships if He did not arrange for my personal growth.
So I wish I could be grateful.