Hello Ransomed Heart friends! I felt that I needed to share an entry with you from my journal!
March 22, 2011
I had an interesting walk with God this afternoon. I was really seeking him. I really wanted to hear his sweet voice, due to the crazy, hectic weekend I had. He didn't waste anytime--he got straight to the point. The first thing that he brought up (which has been on my mind this morning--I keep seeing it everywhere) was love. He asked me: "how do you love? I said, well, I try to be there for people. I try to come through for them when they most need me. He then quickly replied, "how do I love?" Uh-oh. I immediately knew this conversation wasn't going where I expected. I replied "You are gracious", meaning, that His love is so expansive that we can never run away. Nothing we can do or say can separate us from His love. But see, deep down I don't feel that way. I know it to be true in my head, but not in my heart; He was going after something much deeper, as He said to me "the condition of your heart", meaning how I feel about the condition of my heart. I knew exactly what He was referring to. See, when I sin, I just sweep it under the rug. Sure, I ask for forgiveness, I truly repent. I re-cover myself with the blood of Christ, but I'm not really getting to the root of the issue; some little portion of my heart thinks that's its another tick on my record. It's just another thing that could be used to convict my heart of being criminal. Sadly, it's nothing new. When I was battling with Pornography for years, I would do the same thing. I would sweep it under the rug. This would leave me in such a state of deep isolation from God that I couldn't function. It was like being thrown to the wolves. Foul spirits of accusation and guilt would torment me for days. It would get so intense that I would do things like try and take a nap to shake it off--anything to provide some kind of temporary relief. And in those times of despair, I made an agreement that my heart is bad; that it is utterly wicked beyond repair. I believed that those sinful cravings defined me, and that I could never change. All of these years later it has finally come to the surface. What I need now, and what I needed then is to be healed.
Friends, we cannot hide how we truly feel about the condition of our hearts. It will fester, and it will eventually come to the surface. We desperately need healing and restoration, for our hearts are broken--shattered into many pieces. The good news is that Jesus eagerly wants to heal us. Remember the story of the Leper who begged Jesus to heal him?
"Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." 13 Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. (Luke 5:12-13)?
Will you let Him heal you?
Jesus, come. Come and reveal your presence. Show me these places in my heart. Come heal me. I need to know that I am loved, that I have a good and noble heart. I am a new creature, and you have replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Take these broken fragments and restore them. Make them new again.
In your precious name