funny how I get what I need just when I need it.

I spent the weekend hibernating; after a birthday party Sat. nite outside with some friends who were smoking, I was not feeling my best. Lately several difficulties have occurred that I've had to work through and it's brought some stress. So arthritic pain in my neck and joints from the cold weather, stress causing my neck to knot up further, and the threat of lung issues due to the exposure to smoke, all led to this extra day I spent in bed on Monday. It was needed. It helped.

Then I came to work today and catching up on my mail found a letter from RHM along with the daily devo that I love getting.

Stress, the stress of life, disappointments, responsibilities.... it kind of creeps up on me. and this from the letter: I want you to try this - gather up all your hopes, and set them fully on this thought: The kingdom of Jesus is coming, and with it the life I am longing for. Stay with that for more than the usual nanosecond. The kingdom of Jesus is coming, and with it the life I am longing for. Notice what begins to happen. Your heart is freed up a little - free to forgive, free to love, free to enjoy the partial now. Just free.

A good reminder that we're not home yet, and that when priorities are properly aligned things look so differently.

But also the relationships that I've been struggling with - expectations that never pan out, desires for something that is just out of reach. And in this struggle I find myself feeling further and further from God. Less and less in touch. And I wonder how it is that the deepest love I've ever known begins to cool and feel distant...

Connection.... must be nurtured and will never be static. It must grow to stay alive. So this from yesterday's devo:

But this side of Eden, even relationship with God brings us to a place where a deeper work in our heart is called for if we are to be able to continue our spiritual journey. It is in this desert experience of the heart, where we are stripped of the protective clothing of the roles we have played in our smaller stories, that the Message of the Arrows reasserts itself. Healing, repentance, and faith are called for in ways we have not known previously. At this place on our journey, we face a wide and deep chasm that refuses us passage through self-effort. And it is God's intention to use this place to eradicate the final heart walls and obstacles that separate us from him.

And today's devo - this was not the focus, but the introduction - yet I cannot get past it:

Consider the natural human longing to be loved and admired, how deep it runs in you. It is practically an aching abyss. Remember how rare it is for love and admiration to come to any soul in this jealous world.

The longing to be loved and admired, that aching abyss.... yes and the only filling comes from the connection with God my father, Jesus my husband groom, the Holy Spirit my ever present companion.

It may not make sense to anyone else, may not speak to you as it does me. but I hear Jesus voice and feel the drawing when snippets come together like this for me. His words, truth. I am made to love Him and only He can fill that desire, and only when I fully surrender to the depth of all, fully open, yielded in spite of fear or stress or distraction. He knows me from the inside out and wants to fill me with His love. He wants my heart desire to focus on Him and keep my eyes there even when I feel nothing, through the emptiness - through the struggles - through the mundane - through desire and fear.

At this place we face a chasm refusing us passage through self-effort. - Oh my Father, my tender precious loving Daddy, do it - take away those final heart walls and anything in the way that separates me from you.

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