Emotional Repression
May Your Kingdom come
May Your desires be fulfilled on Earth
the way it is in heaven.
Provide food, clothing,
love, friendship, security,
and everything we need to survive
at all times.
(Jesus)
In terms of my sexual identity, I have not fully decided on the path to go. I know that one friend has decided to stop talking to me because of my lack of decision to seek a heterosexual life. My other close friend has not been a very reliable friend, either, and there is indication that he would not want to hear about my thoughts or decisions.
I know for certain that I want to be healed from emotional repression issues, and God has brought this secular counselor into my life to help me─at first with sexual identity issues but now with issues of self-expression and repression.
"You have lived a lonely life," she said. "It's sad."
Really, now? Have I lived for more than 30 years in so much isolation, that I could not even express myself emotionally and on personal issues on a regular basis, with people who will accept me? Would Jesus abandon me? Would Jesus abandon me, when I choose to explore a way that is not His will?
I am glad. I am glad that I have put distance from two of my closest friends, so that I can be who I am. So that I can make my own decisions and not have to please them by making the decisions that they want me to make in order to accept me.
I no longer need to please them.
I am glad that Jesus continues to walk with me, even though I'm still unable to trust my Christian and church friends to hear my story. I am glad that He has provided regular conversation with distant friends (1 Christian, 1 non-Christian) who accept where I am and who I am, despite my imperfections or failures to conform to God's will.
I know that what He provides is Himself and other necessities, even though difficult circumstances are to be expected.
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Comment by william mark parry on September 7, 2012 at 11:48am -
Agin my friend your seeing things so clearly, I sense far less bitterness, frustration, and doubt in your words shared here. I perceive you are getting clearer, emotionally cleansed so that you decisions are based on reality rather than your emotional reactions to things.
If you are still at the cross roads of a decision regarding your sexual identity to me the question is simple. What life do you want to live? Look at the gay world. So much anger, doubt, bitterness alcoholism, confusion, isolation, justification. Consider the possibility of a family of your own, children, grandchildren. Consider the blessing of a loving wife. Men make horrible roommates generally. They are so very selfish, messy, woman can be so very selfless. Particularly when they are in love. God crafted woman to be the perfect help mate for men. Who would actually want a counterfeit, a fabricated reality?
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Comment by Halleth on September 8, 2012 at 8:51pm -
Good point.
While I can't vouch for how all men behave as roommates or as lovers to other men, I can at least perceive that I was meant to have a wife, children, and grandchildren. For now, I am in the dark and have decided to explore the less messy things about romantic relationships with men.
But I won't try to relate to other men (Christian or not) on the basis that I just have temptations to deal with and can't my sexuality in order. Until my "temptations" are eradicated, I won't seek any wife. I don't want the mess that homosexual men go through when they marry a woman and then have to fight their wives in order to get the authentic emotional, physical male interaction that they need.
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