I have tired myself out in the years, writing online about my issues, judgments, pains, thoughts, fears, and envies. I wonder if God is listening. I wonder if God honors my honesty. I wonder if my thoughts matter. I wonder whether other people have a need to pour out their hearts in this way. Maybe some people already have groups and scenarios where they can express themselves.
As for me, I didn't have therapists till my late 20s. Compared to some people, this may be rather early in life.
There are times when I know and feel that Jesus loves me and is with me. There are other times when I just don't want to use the usual means of dealing with life. Perhaps I'll do some thanksgiving --- occasionally, I'll even do some exercise. Other than that, I'm just not satisfied with Jesus at many moments. I want more. Or at least, people or society tell me I should want more, strive for me, improve, become more masculine, become successful, do enjoyable things.
That hasn't worked. I want more. I want to bare my heart in writing. I want to complain about the apparent injustices or disparities in life. I want to write about my lack of impulse to improve my life effectively. That doesn't win me any points with a lot of people. It doesn't improve my existing relationships. In fact, it rends some of my current relationships.
Perhaps many of my friendships are just too limited.
I'm well aware that I'm looking in the "wrong places" for someone to listen, but sometimes I'm just not ready to listen to Jesus. I still think that some achievement or friend is going to help me feel better. Maybe I do need to do my exercises.
I love pushing away my friends, so I can find ones who can tolerate me and actually want to stay connected to me. Ones that I like, too. Is that too much to ask? No. It's not. It's what I deserved all along: people who are right for me. It's probably what Jesus wanted for me all along --- people who move TOWARD me when I express my real thoughts and emotions.
So why are some people so content, even when they don't have Jesus? Does he love them more? Does he grant them better relational skills? Does he give them better tact and better self-control?
It's tiring. Yet I must continue to tell my story.