I have decided to
concentrate for now
on just one thought
the one who died
a horrible death.
Feelings of worthlessness are nothing new to me, especially when I compare myself to worthier people. Do I really need to see myself as worthy as the wonderful human beings I seek approval from? Is it because they dispense their approval and acceptance in especially awesome ways? Is it because I see them as inherently more worthy than I am?
I feel manipulated by those who give me just enough approval, so that I crawl back for more every time. How undignified.
There is a flip side to this:
While I do not see myself as worthy of having real friends and community from the vast majority of people around me, I do seem to find myself willing to receive the acceptance and love of a few brightly shining stars, even if one of them is, as mentioned above, stingy at best. So I feel both worthy and unworthy of the affection of such a person, who also dispenses love to his other beneficiaries who apparently beg him for his grace.
If there is anything I need at all times in order to guard myself from these "morsels of bread", it is the ghastly under-appreciated Bread that provides Real Life.
I am surprised that I would say this, since I see myself vomiting from even the thought of religious discipline and religiosity. But in truth, I have been receiving Christ's love daily already through conversation and emotional closeness with Him.
And while there is a person in my life who offers encouragement and approval in a way that causes me no end of annoyance─if such an idea is conceivable to you─I must dismiss his offer as false bread at worst and as a supplementary extension of God's love at best.