I am again under a shroud of melancholy, my eyes are in a fog and my heart is broken. The van I believed you were giving me was sold. Lord, are all these plans we’ve made are in error? I believe you told me to go west but now I realize I may not have sought your will in what that meant, where west? I am in a fog of doubt because I didn’t stop to ask you more.
Is my enemy telling me these things to bring a wedge between us? Am I making agreements with him? Look at the fruit. Does it bring life – no, my heart is dying. Does it bring joy, peace, goodness – no I am filled with doubt, sadness and despair. Is there faith – I am even doubting your heart toward me.
Thank you Jesus, for showing me what’s really going on here, that I can recognize the work of the enemy. The issue isn’t the trip, it never has been, he’s attacking our relationship, he’s attacking your heart toward me and for a few days I allowed this. I agreed with the enemy. Lord Jesus, father, Holy Spirit, forgive my doubt, I renounce this agreement. I know your heart is good and you love me.
All this over a silly van.
…you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:6 (NIV)
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King Jr.
Pretrip journal entry - 5.16.09