"How to duplicate Mighty Men?" - Part III ….”Firefightin' for my Identity!”

As in most stories, parts I and II were really to help set the stage for this chapter and the ones to follow. You know, I’ve found a lot of peace and clarity when writing about my story. It’s actually a “preferred method of counseling”, to write down your issues or goals or dreams and put them on paper. It sort of confirms your own path or at least where you’ve come from and when done properly, points the direction towards where you’re going.

By writing these chapters (Parts) and sharing with ya’ll my story, will hopefully help to answer some of your own questions or to affirm that you’re not alone in your quest to resurrect your marriage or improve upon your marriage and ultimately learn “how to build your own band of brothers”.

Well, I’m sure most of you “men” who have been reading thus far, are starting to get a bit anxious and probably have said to yourself… “Ok Mike, enough already, get to the point? ....How do I build my own Band of Brothers? ….How do I duplicate Mighty Men in my life?”....and my answer to you is….well you’ll have to read through the rest of this series to find out!”

See, we’re men. We’re not God. We need a quick fix with a solution right now. We don’t like pain. We don’t like to talk about pain. So, therefore we want to get to a quick resolution as fast as painless as possible.

Most of us would like the answer now…. “Just tell me how Mike?…..I’ll take it from there”. Does that sound familiar? Let me translate that in English. What that really says is….”I don’t want to slow down Mike, to really take the time to understand…..because I don’t know how to slow down?”….hhhhmmm???

As you are also probably gathering, much of a guys group starts with the individuals own walk with Christ and their commitment to God. But, often this is where the confusion starts. Let me switch gears now and illustrate a common problem in the lives of most marriages, but will make sense by the time you finish reading.

I personally call this problem or disease “Firefightin’aholicism”…which means to me, that we have many responsibilities that needs attention every hour of every day, but we will only focus on the “hottest” item that day or week and really don’t spend much time being proactive in our routine. Yet, in the back of our minds, there is a whisper that says “Shouldn’t I slow down enough to really try and cultivate a slow and methodical daily routine that fosters a healthy balance in all of my daily and weekly relationships and responsibilities?”

Let’s take a couple marital scenarios that are ever present in our lives. Have you ever had a problem communicating to your wife that you’d like to go on a trip….without her?…maybe with some buddies of yours? How did she respond when you showed your true excitement for that trip? This is the very same trip that would leave her at home alone, with your three children for 3 days. The same trip that she’d be all by herself to fend off lions, tigers and bears….. and all forces of evil all by themselves….ok I’m kidding about the lions, tigers and bears…but am I kidding about the “forces of evil”?.

There is something about “change” that somehow stimulates fear in a woman, especially if she’s a momma bear with cubs. If you talk about going on a trip or show too much excitement, your wife may say “what’s wrong, aren’t you happy with me?”…which usually leaves you feeling minimized or the one trip a year you look forward to gets demoted and as a bonus she gives you the cold shoulder? .... ”What’s her deal you may find yourself asking?

There isn’t a husband alive that desires to make “momma” feel unimportant, so all to often, we stay home from our trips and just say, “well, I guess I have to pull up my boot straps because this is what I HAVE to do….and we call that sacrifice?” Then, there is this great “justification” example that’s even better….”I take “momma” with me on my trips now, you tell your buddies...she loves to go on trips with me?” and then if that’s not enough, we try and turn a guys trip into a double and triple date weekend and say “I guess this is what you do when you get married?”….hhhmmm???

Now, am I saying you can’t share hobbies with you’re wife? No. Do I think it’s important to share similar interest and common values…well yes. Am I being a smart-aleck….you betcha! Absolutely! If this topic is even rubbing you a little bit the wrong way…I’ve done what God has asked me to do. Expose a weakness…a wound.

Now, that there is a little “wound” exposed….allow me to pour salt into it….if I may. Because we as men know this is what we like right? We want to know the answer? How to fix things quickly and to the point, right?

Ok, how about an even simpler scenario… most men at some point in our life, has thought about growing a beard or some kind of facial hair. I’ve got a goatee much of the year, but I like to grow out a full beard for my fall hunting season. Has, you’re wife ever caught you growing out a beard? Did she say something to the affect of “Eewww….I’m not kissing you tonight?” and she looks at you weird. What’s the deal about facial hair that causes our wives to say something to the affect of “until you shave that thing off we’re not having sex?”……Now, you may think I’m kidding or over dramatizing this reality. But, I can tell you these are real life experiences and conversations that have occurred in my marriage, the marriages of my 5 other band of brothers and countless dozens of marriages that I’m aware of.

Unfortunately, as men, our answer to these situations is that we give in and give up our adventurous spirits. Most of the time, we just don’t know how to combat this argument and so because we are the “nice” cooperating guys that we are…we’ll not grow that beard because we rationalize that “well, if I had to choose between my beard and sex….well, is there a competition?” Although, a very macho answer in the masculine world, in my opinion, sex is experienced out of love for one another and it’s not as a “carrot” or “replacement” of our wild hearted spirits.

I don’t know how many times I went round and rounds with my wife during our early counseling sessions trying to convey my frustrations about the traditions or needs that I felt was really important in my life and likewise I needed her to validate them as well and not minimize them. Obviously, in order to get her to come to my side, I had to go towards her and her needs, which meant I needed to value her “realities” as if they were the most important items on my list. For the first time, I was starting to get it….but this was only the beginning of my quest of understanding her wound, our marriage and why my role as her husband, warrior is so fundamentally important in both of our lives.

It had been probably 6 months since all hell had broke loose initially and my wife and I had started into a pretty good pattern of weekly counseling for us individually as well as collectively. Counseling promotes an environment to explain, reflect and understand each other’s issues, fears, dreams and aspirations.

Now, you probably guessed the first of many lessons I learned from this process was communication, but it wasn’t necessarily the dialogue back and forth. It was actually what I needed her to see from my points of view. What my needs were? What made me laugh? What made me cry? What made me mad, afraid, scared, vulnerable, transparent? What gave me joy in my life? Up to our first counseling sessions, I usually “yelled down her throat” my frustrations and likewise she’d volley back over the net, her typical yelling and tirade. We’d go at it…. back and forth…. until honestly we just wore ourselves out I think and went to our own corners. But, we really didn’t ever get to a point where I understood her side of the issue or even remotely got close to my issues.

Finally, after weeks and months on my knee’s praying for clarity and patience God gave me a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I saw my first pattern evolving. What I really saw that was interesting and yet the most difficult was about to come to the surface. In order for me to communicate with my wife effectively, I needed to feel secure in my own opinion, my purpose…my own identity. I needed to have a “leg to stand on” if you will. A line in the sand that allowed me to measure my own needs verses hers and my family’s.

I was able to summarize my five most important areas for my life and the had to do with my spiritual, relational, emotional, physical and financial needs. Everyone may have their own iteration, but simply there were 5 main areas of my life that required my constant attention and persistence. The old saying “what you most resist, you will persist at”. This was exactly what I didn’t want to hear, yet God knew it was what I needed.

When it came to my spiritual needs: how was my prayer life? How was my relationship with God? How was my church life? How was my wife and family’s church life and spiritual life?

When it came to my relational needs: how was my relationship with my wife? With each of my kids? Did I take time to really put effort into my family’s trips and events like I’d do for my own trips? With my own parents? With my sibilings?

When it came to my emotional needs: how did I really feel about my purpose in life? Was I confident? Was I a poser? Did I hold a lot of resentment and bitterness towards my wife related to petty things like my trips or my beard or the like?

When it came to my physical needs: How was my balance diet working for me? Was I exercising and taking time to treat my body the way God intended?

When it came to my financial needs: Did I expect my wife to read my mind? Did I have a plan for our finances? Did I make her feel important and apart of the decisions? Did I shame her for my lack of communication of our finances?

This meant I needed to slow down to a point that allowed my life to encompass all of the above, which meant getting rid of responsibilities that didn't fit into those areas. Or backing away from responsiblities as Deacon at church for a year or two. Whatever it took to slow down and become proactive in my life, my wife and families life.

Ultimately, who I found staring at me in the mirror that day, was a scared little boy, who wanted to have “what it took to be that leader, that warrior, to be the husband all of my wive’s friends talked about” but had always stopped short, because I couldn't be everything for everybody.

I was taught to fight fires, but I wasn’t taught to have an identity where I could stand and provide my wife and family a solid foundation for them to take refuge and know that when the wind blows, this Oak is gonna still stand tall and that my roots run deep in God’s unfailing love and grace.

So, as I end this part of the series, I’d ask yourself a very hard and heart challenging question? What would you like to do that you’ve kept putting off or minimizing, because it has always created a thorn in your relationship.

Well, I won’t give it away my “band of brothers” recipe yet. I still have probably 2 chapters or parts to go. But, be praying and thinking about you as God’s safe refuge for your wife and her wound and how to start thinking of men who could be the brick and mortar in your life to call you out in these areas of challenge and accountability.