Single in the church
Since this is the single group I figured this was the appropriate place to ask the question...
What is your experience as a single (be that never married, divorced or widowed) person in the church?
I ask this because I think it can be a huge problem in certain churches and not so much in others, and maybe in some most people are...
For me, my church has pretty much couples/families. Many young families. As a matter of fact, in terms of being a never married female single without children – I am it and has been since I arrived in 06... (we do however have a few divorced women or single mothers)
The chances of me finding a partner in my church are up to God. As it is now, it's pretty much zero. He would have to bring someone. That is a subject in itself, but it’s not the only one I’m interested in hearing your views on...
Do you feel like you are accepted as a “complete” person in your church or are you the misfit because you are not in a family unit?
Are you invited to couples/families with other couples/families when that would mean that you are the “fifth wheel” (in the sense of being the one person by yourself) or do others make the decision for you that you wouldn’t be comfortable so they don’t invite you?
Is your church a support or do you sometimes leave feeling worse?
How does your church view friendship with a person of the opposite sex? Do they trust that’s all there is?
And you men - here's one for you, because you are more rare than the female singles in church (at least in Europe) - do you feel like the hunted prey?
I have pretty much experienced all of the above...(well not the male question) and more. It also of course depends on where I am in my life and my feelings... but I am “blessed” with being included in the administrative council in my church – the only woman at the moment, and a single one to boot. I do sometimes (ok, often) feel like I am there to educate the others on how to act or not act around me or any other “one” person...
I have “had it out” with the pastor in my church several times, because he sometimes preaches in ways that drives me crazy... then avoids the discussion when I confront him... He did read a book I put in his hands on being single in the church (excellent book but can’t remember the author right now) and has changed slightly since – he now admits to “not knowing how I feel but trying to understand” where before he would say “I know how you feel” when he’s been happily married since his early twenties...
Hope to hear/see a LOT of different experiences points of view...!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Nigel Fareed Mohammed on -
The way 'Church' is with singles makes me wonder how far this attitude toward singles is from the true heart of God. The appalling lack of grace and the subtle in-between-the-line messages comes not from the Father. It's like the concept of the Nuclear Family is being worshipped. If singles are not loved with agape kind of love then the love of the Father is not in that place. I live in the UK, am single at 49 and i have to say that the middle class Laodicean spirit makes me feel nauseous. There are times when it is right to speak out as Jesus did in Matthew 23 against the Pharisees. Sorry to be so brutal but how many single people are kept away from this kind of cultural 'Jesus' who is really just a pseudo religious bourgeois pharisee who worships the American Dream...cos the message is 'You need to be like us' to be making it. The Spirit of the Living God does not make people, any people feel that marginalised and unworthy does He?
Rika said:I am wondering how much that is because in (a few? some? many? ) churches singles are not treated as complete or enough in themselves... in churches families with mom, dad and children are the norm... great, I love that, but... it sometimes makes it hard for singles, especially if they also feel a stigma relating to whatever their situation is... -
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Permalink Reply by Jeff Wagener on -
Ive now been a single parent longer than I was married. My youngest is 13. I many times feel like a 3rd wheel, and especially since im a single man with a daughter at home 1/2 time. The people that have no problem sending their sons or daughters to parties or get togethers, even sleep overs at a single mom's house won't even consider it, for my daughter. Ive had a number of discussions with our leadership about the lack of "community care" for the single dad's in our community. Many men (particularly those with custody or shared and a daughter or 2), don't have a clue, and if you don't have the blessing of at least a reasonable relationship with the children's mom, we feel like we are on our own.
I brought this up at my former church about a single dad who's car was dying, and could I invite him to the single mom's car care... ended up working on it my self- because he is a guy he should be able to take care of it himself, the man couldnt figure out the business end of a screwdriver- not his deal...
Iv'e heard so many speakers make the point " if your home is falling apart it is ALL YOUR FAULT MEN".... well I know im not perfect, but i don't have dominion over my ex's free will...
I worked in marriage restoration ministry for almost 9 years, and talked with a large number of both divorced/seperated men and women. I have experienced what ive been told so many times by men that won't darken the doorway of a church... When a single dad enters a church, the consensus is and alot of times is verbalized "so what did you screw up or do that made her leave",
I do like the advertising of a singles group in a church I drive by during my commute... "ONE is a WHOLE NUMBER", I have heard it is a very healing and open group. My church is now opening up a "singally focused" group.
Ok im rambling.. sorry, -
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Permalink Reply by Rika on -
Nigel, thank you for your comments. I am happy to see that this discussion hasn't died... I was hoping for more feedback, so it's nice to see it continue...
Jeff - thank you for your perspective! I think that of singles mothers in the church is more often expressed than that of single fathers and that the church as a whole needs everyone's view... so thank you for expressing that!
I like the ONE is a whole number... The fact is that ONE units have so much to contribute in the church - especially those who have been in TWO units for those who are facing that situation... or simply to educate others- though that is not always fun! -
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Permalink Reply by Cloud (dani) on -
wow jeff -- I am sorry you had to go through that
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Permalink Reply by Brian on -
My church gets that same feeling sometimes, and I think that it is from not one single cause, but several, and I'm sure many I am not even aware of.
I'm recently engaged, but was active in my church for a long time before that. Ministries catered to women, children, couples, and families, but singles ministry wasn't a priority. Plus, the executive pastor (who oversees all of the satellite ministries, as well as small groups, etc.) has never been single in her adult life. She graduated high school, married her high school sweetheart that summer, and has never been without him. She doesn't have a clue, and no empathy means a lack of support. A single woman and I wanted to make it work out, so we took it over. I ended up leaving over some very uncomfortable things, too. There were about 20 women and three guys. We have all since left the singles group because some (not all) of the women acted very desperate. I know their needs, and I do empathize. However, when a woman "needs" a man more than the needs anything, it makes men run. Such a woman is asking for a man to fill a hole in her heart that cannot be filled by just any mortal man. I think you know where I'm going here. The ministry is not meant to be a single-support group. Nor is it meant to be a singles Bible study. Singles ministries need to focus on the people and doing life together-- the core principle of any small group.
And our church does a good job with college students-- and we have a load of them. But beyond the college age (24 or so) and you just become the weird old guy. I felt looked down upon because I was not married and 30. -
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Permalink Reply by Dano Colombo on -
I too have those same challenges. I tend to slip into denial and hate the fact sometimes that I am in my 40's with failed marriages and no children. In the past couple of years I have taken the approach that there are many parts of the church as there are in the body and we are not told to all be the same. Many characters in the bible did not have children or relationships. Our society tries to put our success into the realm of procreation and appearances.
The last retreat I was on to Ransomed Heart, I faced the "beauty" talk. I generally shut down and want to leave, similar to Kurt's description above, but I sat and opened my mind and heart. Same story, but different impact. All of us are in this journey but we don't have a clue of the script/role we play out. We tend to measure and expect certain things from our belief, but we really have no clue his plans.
Many times the enemy will sneak into our psyche and try to derail us, to get the foothold and boy that is painful. About the only way I know how to deal with that is call it what it is, a lie. Those degrading statements and belief are by no means from our father.
Hope we can all stay strong and available for his will in this temporary world.
Dano -
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Permalink Reply by Rika on
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It's kind of funny hearing you guys' perspectives... 'cause to me there are NO single men in church... but maybe that's just Europe, eh?
Funny, I just resigned from the church council, and at our annual meeting it was mentioned that I had been "representing the women and the singles" and I'm thinking,it's not like I had a CHOICE, I was the only single person in that group and it was the only way they were going to take us into account... It was never something I was looking to do, but I do recognize that God put me in a position where I could make our voice heard... and that if these people were going to hear it, it had to come from me... I came home from more than one meeting extremely frustrated and spent, but... there were times it was impossible to keep quiet. Like when the "Let's make the theme of our church weekend this year families". Errr... did you want any of the single/divorced/one adult families to attend this year??
So... can I throw out the question... are you doing something about this in your church? Or just getting frustrated and fed up? I am not actively doing much actually... except protest and inform when I am thrown into the position, but I wonder... if something's gonna change... who better than us to change it? It's not going to be the couples who make that effort...
If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend "Singles at the Crossraods" by Albert Y. Hsu. Excellent book about being single in the church (maybe I already mentioned it?) and one I pretty much forced my pastor to read... He had the grace to do so (after a heated discussion with me over one of his messages...) and told me afterward he had gained a new perspective... no kidding, he's been married for about 35 years!
Anyway, thanks a lot for contributing, it's great hearing your perspectives! -
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Permalink Reply by Pam Spencer on -
You make me laugh, Rika . . . good for you! Pastors, churches (and others), need people like you.
I opted out of church for about 15 months and just recently went back, with a new perspective, myself. This is a news flash . . . I am not the center of the universe and everyone else is not required to orbit around me! Dang. But along with the news flash comes a gift . . . I can just be me, and matter. You inspire me, Rika . . . to make my voice heard and know in my heart that it matters, even if the whole of the picture doesn't bend to my wishes. -
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Permalink Reply by Rika on
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Scott - I think that's a great idea... like you said, in a church your size there has got to be more like you...
Why not be the one who changes things? Maybe you'll find a fellow outdoor person who is also into Christ... ;-)
Pam - thanks! Glad I made you laugh
scott fogarty said:I feel for evryone in this position, yes everything is so geared towards family. The church falls short on our status, I don't think it by chioce, but just what to do about it.
It is very disheartening to go and see all the couples and families. Everyone treats me great, no one shuns away from me or anything. It is really hard finding that connection with like minded people.
I am not sure what to do about it. Start a small group ? Maybe that is the route ? I will get that book and read it. We have great small groups, but like I mentioned they address everyone but us.
I guess just have faith.
Rika said:It's kind of funny hearing you guys' perspectives... 'cause to me there are NO single men in church... but maybe that's just Europe, eh?
Funny, I just resigned from the church council, and at our annual meeting it was mentioned that I had been "representing the women and the singles" and I'm thinking,it's not like I had a CHOICE, I was the only single person in that group and it was the only way they were going to take us into account... It was never something I was looking to do, but I do recognize that God put me in a position where I could make our voice heard... and that if these people were going to hear it, it had to come from me... I came home from more than one meeting extremely frustrated and spent, but... there were times it was impossible to keep quiet. Like when the "Let's make the theme of our church weekend this year families". Errr... did you want any of the single/divorced/one adult families to attend this year??
So... can I throw out the question... are you doing something about this in your church? Or just getting frustrated and fed up? I am not actively doing much actually... except protest and inform when I am thrown into the position, but I wonder... if something's gonna change... who better than us to change it? It's not going to be the couples who make that effort...
If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend "Singles at the Crossraods" by Albert Y. Hsu. Excellent book about being single in the church (maybe I already mentioned it?) and one I pretty much forced my pastor to read... He had the grace to do so (after a heated discussion with me over one of his messages...) and told me afterward he had gained a new perspective... no kidding, he's been married for about 35 years!
Anyway, thanks a lot for contributing, it's great hearing your perspectives! -
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Permalink Reply by Cloud (dani) on
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I have been reading since the start of this discussion and I am not sure how i currently feel about being a single in church... I posted somewhere about this can't remember where but I have not been attending church this time around for long... However I was attending church when I divorced and the churchs attitude was the cause of me not attending, but God called me to forgive them and return.. Not sure how i feel yet, it's only been a few weeks..
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Permalink Reply by Deborah on -
Like you dani....I have sat a bit on the sidelines watching but not really weighing in..... Like you , I have not attended or been involved regularly somewhere for a while so I figured I had little to say on this one......
Reasons are varied for not going..........some of which has to do with how much I long for something of "true body life" like I experienced once long ago, and knowing that so few will even come close. .....people intimately involved in each others lives and sharing with transparency.... truly walking alongside one another. And while I HAVE visited a few places in recent months. trying to dip my toes in the water again.... I have noticed the feeling of lonliness looming when I did...noticing that most were there as families and couples...
and of course, I read the words from the hearts of all of you........the unmet longings ....the frustrations.....the challenges ....... I guess I really ought to keep sticking my feet in the water, huh???....... and yet its hard, isnt it???
~just thoughts out loud~ -
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Permalink Reply by Cowboy0708 on -
i strait up got mad sitting in church. it was time to go so I left. havnt been back in a year.
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