Emotions - What are they good for?
As a single (or married for that matter) emotions are what tell us we are alive. So where do you draw the line? You have been single for some time now and you meet someone that lights up your thought patterns. You have one date, two, three and so on but you have time between dates. What are you doing with those emotions? Are you cultivating a healthy environment for yourself? Or are you deep into thinking about that person? What they wore? Their smile? That first kiss? If you think about them often during the times between dates, you tend to develop the relationship faster and faster. You are now three months into the dating, in your mind, but you are only going out on the 6th date. You have let your emotions run wild, off the circuit board of life and they are feeling uncomfortable around you. They are loosing respect. I speak from experience because of gal I met 3 years ago. I fantasized about the dating life with her and the relationship went flat. However, she reconnected with me recently and I started to project ahead again, thus feeling like we had dated for 3 years. But in reality we only have dated a month (2 dates back then and 2 dates now = one month). Someone pointed this out and hopefully I am able to put the skids on and face the actual time line. Big lesson learned. Leave the relationship building to the moments when you are together and stop making up stuff. No wonder people marry so fast after they meet. They make up the outcome.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Valerie on -
Thanks for sharing this, Mike. I have some favorite moments that I like to replay. It is a very good point that imagining seems like experience if one isn't careful. My brother always tells me that talk is one thing, see what actions they are willing to step up and be accountable for. I find that even in conversation I need to slow myself down and remind myself to "see how this plays out." I can easily react to a sentence without testing to see if I even understood correctly and project a negative outcome w/o reliable evidence.
After I replay my favorite moment, I may imagine a more permanent outcome for a brief moment, but always bring it back to reality of what I really, really want based on what is concrete...I just want to spend more time with him. Afterall, I won't find out about any deal breakers until much, much farther down the road. am thinking the time spent learning the road before running into deal-breakers will be quite sweet. am not in a hurry, just seems like it some times. An example of my worst nightmare is marrying someone who claims to like pets and then some how all of them just keep disappearing. The level of deceit he would be willing to live with would be outrageously high and probably be true in other areas as well. More importantly, if he didn't understand the impact of what he was doing, but once he did, could he be wise and change his behavior?
A woman told me a story about something her ex-bf did that really betrayed her trust. For him, he didn't understand why she felt betrayed since he had everything under control. we didn't discuss it for long, but I've been wondering if they could have stayed together if he had come to an understanding how disrespectful what he had done was, and why she couldn't trust him. The facts were that she was safe in the situation he asked to go into, but she wasn't given all the information, didn't feel safe, and he didn't respect her need for that. anyway, guess I thought that had to do with the emotion of it as well. If he could learn to understand how he didn't consider the emotion of the situation over the facts and how that tanked the relationship. So easy to get stuck on the correctness of the facts and deny the affect on the emotions...which like you were saying, can become fact-like.
Back to my current favorite memory...am thinking my thoughts of it would actually make it easier for me to just see how things play out, than to rush either forward or away...I hope so at least.
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Permalink Reply by Mike Daily on -
Dr. Henry Cloud, in 9 Things You Must Do To Suceed in Love and Life, is to play the movie. In others, see how this situation might play out. But the trouble comes when we start playing it too much. I played out how I wanted my last date to be...holding hands and a kiss good night. Days later I was playing out the next date but when I put the skids on, I realized I was several dates ahead of the next date. Screech. I hadn't ask her out on the next one yet so how can I project several ahead? There are so many things we can do between dates to take our mind of that person that when we do come together we can live a for real relationship.
I have had a few other relationships where I was not so goobbered that all the between times were spent on work, grand kid, recreation, and so on that there was a better flow and I could see clearer. -
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Permalink Reply by Valerie on
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Oh, didn't know that Dr. Cloud had written such a book. Ah, I see what you are saying...what I meant by "see how this plays out," is to stay in the present moment of it instead of some pretend or "play" moment of it. I think daydreaming is healthy and hopeful but can become dysfunctional if I don't keep it in its place. am thinking balance is needed. I like the word "goobbered." Definitely know that lack of balance and it makes me laugh right now. Next time it happens, I probably won't. Praying God's peace to you in your days.
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Permalink Reply by Paul W. Biggs on -
Howdy Mike, I would like to share with you some of the lessons, learned the hard way. Living alone, over 18 years ,plus. It was easy to let my emotions ,decide for me what to do based on how, she would react to me! The most important lesson I brought out of this big ol' blunder!! I have to learn to like myself, that means forgiving myself, and giving myself a break! No, person, can decide for us how we should feel, except for ourselves! I had to learn, that I did like myself and it was ok to be by myself. If ya don't like, being with you alone, why would she? Most of the people, man or woman, that I admired the most,was those who stayed themselves, they felt comfortable enough about who they were, to not have to put on for anybody! I've found, the more you try , the more you push, instead of growing closer, you're to busy pushing her away, called(smothering) THAT DON'T WORK! LESSON LEARNED, AH-YE, I HOPE! OL'E COWPOKE
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