Dating for the first time in 6 years...need good sound advice. :/

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Permalink Reply by Deborah on December 27, 2009 at 8:17pm

Certainly a difficult situation, Debby, if you really like this man. The thing is though, if you have talked with him about this and he has continued, then he is not respecting your boundaries...... this shows poor boundary strength/immaturity on his part. Somehow I think you have to set your boundaries and stick to them (although I know that this can be hard for us gals sometimes!)....for example, if you have indicated when it is ok and when it is not ok for him to call, then you simply dont answer the phone. If this creates problems and he continues to not respect what YOU need, then it may be difficult but he clearly may not be the right man for you. Those things which bother you now will only become magnified down the road.

As far as general advice , debby, I guess I would just say that if this is the first man you have dated since your marriage that it would probably be a good thing to date a lot more before settling into committed relationship again. I have learned that when we are young and we marry we often have no clue as to the type of person who best matches us...... I certainly did not ....and even after divorce I thought I simply desired the qualities in a man that were lacking in my marriage. As time has passed and as I have had different experiences I have better come to know myself and what I am looking for. It is so very different than when I first began to allow myself to date!!!

.....just some thoughts, girl.

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Permalink Reply by Julie-Anne on December 27, 2009 at 9:52pm

I'm no dating expert, but a question occurs to me: Have you been really clear? "I need some space" doesn't say anything... Maybe you could tell him you're thrilled that he is so attentive but that you are past your saturation point with the phoning and texting. Maybe tell him that one decent phone call a day is enough for you with a couple of text conversations between (or whatever you can receive and still enjoy the interaction) ... I won't tell you what I would actually say, in your shoes, because I'm pretty blunt ;)
If he ignores your wishes after you're sure he understands what you want from him, then I would ignore the extra text messages. If he doesn't learn, then E Harmony is still up and running...I hope it goes best...

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Permalink Reply by Debby C on December 27, 2009 at 9:59pm

I've been married twice. The first time was for 15 years and he suddenly decided he was gay. I was devastated. The second marriage came right after my divorce...I was 34, and wanted to prove to myself that I was still desirable to men. I met a man online that was NOT who he said he was but I really didn't find out who he was until I married him three months later. BIG MISTAKE. It was 6 years of absolute H - - L. He was abusive in many ways and had addictions. I had actually sworn off men. LOL I made a list and prayerfully considered what I would like in a man, if one ever came into my life again. I don't need a man to complete me; but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either.

So "Rick" pretty much fits all the characteristics I want and have asked God for in a man. He is not typically the kind of guy I would go for. But we're so comfortable with each other, get along great and laugh alot. The only problem is the smothering issue. I dont' know if this is something from my other marriage, but I have learned since being in this relationship I have issues I need to get resolved in order to continue pursuing a healthy one. :)

Thanks for your encouraging words. I know about boundaries, and I feel we need to have a serious talk about them.

Deborah said:

Certainly a difficult situation, Debby, if you really like this man. The thing is though, if you have talked with him about this and he has continued, then he is not respecting your boundaries...... this shows poor boundary strength/immaturity on his part. Somehow I think you have to set your boundaries and stick to them (although I know that this can be hard for us gals sometimes!)....for example, if you have indicated when it is ok and when it is not ok for him to call, then you simply dont answer the phone. If this creates problems and he continues to not respect what YOU need, then it may be difficult but he clearly may not be the right man for you. Those things which bother you now will only become magnified down the road.

As far as general advice , debby, I guess I would just say that if this is the first man you have dated since your marriage that it would probably be a good thing to date a lot more before settling into committed relationship again. I have learned that when we are young and we marry we often have no clue as to the type of person who best matches us...... I certainly did not ....and even after divorce I thought I simply desired the qualities in a man that were lacking in my marriage. As time has passed and as I have had different experiences I have better come to know myself and what I am looking for. It is so very different than when I first began to allow myself to date!!!

.....just some thoughts, girl.

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Permalink Reply by Debby C on December 27, 2009 at 10:05pm

MDP - The wonderful problem I DO have is that "Rick" dotes on me, showers me with attention, romances me to no end, and loves my daughter. I have two older daughters that are grown, and one 8-year old that has no dad figure in her life at all. She and "Rick" have bonded - so there is more than one heart involved in this equation.

I do think to a certain extent this is an independence issue. I raised three girls all on my own with no child support. I worked my way out of public housing to buying and building my own little house in the big woods. :) And I've gone back to college, am two semesters away from a bachelor's degree in art education. So - independent? You better believe it! :)
I don't know how to get past this, though. It's something I know I have to work through and am seeking pastoral counseling for it. "Rick" and I have talked about the independence issues.

When "Rick" and I first met, we texted all the time. Texting is a big part of my life...but "Rick" is not very technologically savvy, kind of old-fashioned, which is not altogether a bad thing. He is just more comfortable talking...says he loves to hear my voice. He lives by himself, has grown children, and says he's lonely when I'm not around. I understand this...but I want to be in a life adventure with him, if I choose to continue this relationship. I don't want to BE his adventure. He is an outgoing guy...has his own magic shop, and is a hard worker. I don't know. Maybe we BOTH need counseling. LOL!

MDP said:

Sounds like a problem some women would love to have.

Seems he believes he has found something wonderful and wants to keep it going.

Do you think it is too much too soon or would you be this way with anyone? Is it possible this is challenging your independence a bit? Do you liken it to insecurity or control with him? What would your expectation be if you two were to marry.

It is interesting to me and I thought to ask because I tried different modes, email, texting, etc to keep in touch and get closer to my wife and I was literally ignored. When she got involved with another man it was all of the time with him. It would not be an exaggeration to say that they talked and texted and emailed 3 dozen times on our anniversary day.

Is this related to any issue (smothering) that came up in your marriage?

Hope I am asking helpful questions. I am unsure I have advice except to examine why it bothers you. Then beyond that with your requests to take it down a few notches - tell him exactly what would work with you without using words like smothering.

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Permalink Reply by Rocco Capra (Rohon) on December 28, 2009 at 1:19pm

Hi Debbie,

With limited info and not seeing in the comments what I want to say, I'm gonna put my 2 cents in...(Also, not ever being divorced, I will try to tread lightly, on a subject I have no experience with.)

It sounds like "Rick" is taking his question to 'Eve' (you). I would encourage you walk closely with God through all this (Not that you haven't!).

Make sure 'Rick' knows who he is in God's eyes, and that he doesn't need you to confirm or validate him.

I know you say it has been six years, but be patient. Don't settle for the first thing that comes along. Satan will always offer you his best, but it is still second to God's best. Wait for God's best. If you've been out of the game for so long, make some male friends to get to know them, not as 'boyfriends' just friends. Learn what makes them tick. Note what you like about them, and what you don't.

Walk with Father through all of this, for your heart's sake, for the sake of your daughter's heart.

One thing I tell my wife Sandy, is that if I ever die, to find a man who really understands and walks in the message of Ransomed Heart. A Man who knows who he is in God's eyes, and doesn't need her, or our daughters to validate him.

Rocco

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Permalink Reply by Debby C on December 28, 2009 at 5:23pm

Rocco - Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. :) The validation issue may be part of the problem. We've had a looong discussion today, and he admits that he's smothering me. He's such an outgoing guy, I don't really understand the smothering thing...we got very specific as to what constitutes 'smothering'. I told him I only wanted to talk on the phone at this point in our relationship 1-2 times per day...and texting thrown in. He has agreed to this...but the proof is in the pudding, as we say in the south, right? I mean, we'll see. I haven't given up on "Rick", but haven't decided that he's totally the one either. However, I really do believe God sent him into my life. I've talked to several people at his church (we attend there every other week) that he's close to without him being right there beside me and ALL of them tell me he is a man of integrity - and loves God with all of his heart. Even his pastor - when I first met him, he said that "Rick" was a man of honor and integrity. I do have male friends, and have had them for awhile. I'm a real people person and am very outgoing. :) I have really given this relationship to God from the beginning, which is the main reason I've not broken it off before now. Yesterday I was really ready to throw in the towel, but I felt the Holy Spirit gently telling me not to give up yet. I believe this man to be kind, compassionate, romantic, and fun to be with...besides a man who loves God. Those are all pluses!

We've decided to go through the Wild at Heart book together and discuss it thoroughly..and I'm reading Captivating right now also. Wow is it amazing!

I'll keep you guys (and gals) posted as to what happens. :) Thank you so much for your honest, non-biased advice. You are a blessing.

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Permalink Reply by Deborah on December 28, 2009 at 5:54pm

Sounds really sound, debby..... Yes, please do keep us in the loop!!

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Permalink Reply by Noel on December 29, 2009 at 11:40am

You probably gave yourself the best advice when you said 'I cannot stand the smothering' .

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Permalink Reply by Kimberly (Alice, thru the glass) on December 30, 2009 at 8:16am

Hey, sorry to just jump in but... I had my own "Rick" for 5 years and my son needed that male....

MY Rick had addictions....this all sounds too familiar (6:00 am contacts , etc) we ended up in court with stalking charges and harassment issues. This is the way predators work.....

I'd want more info ....

I agree with the advice that if this is the first guy you've dated.... you need to get out there... DATE DATE DATE DATE!

and get him OUT of your daughter's life.... you need to guard HER heart as much as you guard YOUR heart.

GOOD LUCK
lots of prayers

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Permalink Reply by Debby C on January 13, 2010 at 3:55pm

OK all - here's an update. The smothering issues did not get any better...in fact, they got worse. :/ Rick admits he has a problem, but not to the point to where he's ready to get help from his pastor, counselor, etc. as to why the 'neediness' behaviors are occuring in his life.

I asked him about his past, why his marriage broke up, etc etc...and he got angry and told me I was giving him the 3rd degree. ???!?!?!?! So - as much as I didn't want to, I broke it off. I've talked to him a couple of times since then - we met once to give our 'belongings' back to each other and he makes it a point to be really depressed and crying...almost to the point of manipulation. OMG I don't want to be alone and lonely - - but I would much rather be by myself than tangled up in this. :/

My 8-year old daughter was really sad. She cried for a couple of days, which made me feel BAD BAD BAD...her father has not been in her life for the past 5 years, so she craves that male attention...and Rick was good to her. I'll know NOT to introduce her into a dating relationship the next time as soon. :/

I moped around for a couple of days cause I was lonely, then picked myself back up. I have learned much from this dating encounter, and still am praying for God to bring the love of my life into my life! :)

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Permalink Reply by Julie-Anne on January 13, 2010 at 3:58pm

Debbie: Awww, no fun :( I'm sorry it didn't work out and that you and your daughter are sad...
May God bless you both as you move forward
J-A

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Permalink Reply by Rocco Capra (Rohon) on January 18, 2010 at 7:36am

Debby,

God wants to be the Love of your life, in just that way. Think about that.



Debby C said:

OK all - here's an update. The smothering issues did not get any better...in fact, they got worse. :/ Rick admits he has a problem, but not to the point to where he's ready to get help from his pastor, counselor, etc. as to why the 'neediness' behaviors are occuring in his life.

I asked him about his past, why his marriage broke up, etc etc...and he got angry and told me I was giving him the 3rd degree. ???!?!?!?! So - as much as I didn't want to, I broke it off. I've talked to him a couple of times since then - we met once to give our 'belongings' back to each other and he makes it a point to be really depressed and crying...almost to the point of manipulation. OMG I don't want to be alone and lonely - - but I would much rather be by myself than tangled up in this. :/

My 8-year old daughter was really sad. She cried for a couple of days, which made me feel BAD BAD BAD...her father has not been in her life for the past 5 years, so she craves that male attention...and Rick was good to her. I'll know NOT to introduce her into a dating relationship the next time as soon. :/

I moped around for a couple of days cause I was lonely, then picked myself back up. I have learned much from this dating encounter, and still am praying for God to bring the love of my life into my life! :)

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